Bull Run Mountain

Last weekend we took a hike up Bull Run mountain to check out the amazing fall color this year (cold snap really brought out the color!). The park is about 15 minutes from our house yet this was our first trip! It was a lot of fun, though we ended up with both boys in backpacks for most of the hike.

Consistency vs. Grace

One of the most common refrains of parenting advice is "be consistent" in how you parent, where you set your boundaries, and follow through on consequences. It makes a lot of sense, children develop a healthy psyche when they know what to expect and aren't surprised when they hit a previously encountered boundary. In fact, I have read several places that the best way to cause major psychic trauma and even insanity in a developing little person is to erratically change their structure and boundaries on a daily (or even hourly) basis. What was okay yesterday gets them punished today, and so on... The child learns that the world is not a safe or predictable place and begins to retreat from reality in order to create their own structure.

In theory then, it is a "no brainer" to be as consistent as possible in raising children. I have heard it is not as critical what kind of structure a parent creates, as long as it is fairly consistent. Unfortunately when you try to live this out it seems to get a little more complex...

For example, one key thing we found early on was never threaten a punishment you aren't prepared to carry out. It is easy in the moment to threaten to "get on a plane and go home from Grandma's" when your little one is acting out, but if they call your bluff you are busted! Children quickly figure out parents that promise consequences they don't intend to carry out, and they learn to quickly disregard their admonition.

On the other side, even if you are prepared to carry out the consequence (for example, a time out), sometimes the "infraction" is more a result of poor impulse control, a mistake, forgetfulness, etc. For example, if I tell a tired boy not to squish his brother again or he takes a time out in his room, he may very well find it near impossible to resist the temptation (and often does). He may do well for a little while, but then either forgets the admonition in a moment of restlessness. Often Kieran will tell me that he "tried not to do it but still did." I think this is often true for a young child, and I often find myself giving him the benefit of the doubt.

This is where I struggle, as I think grace is important for children as well. I don't want my boys to learn that the world is a harsh, unrelenting place where you every error results in immediate and often disproportionate consequences. Children are hard wired to push boundaries and I don't want to come down (as my Dad would say) "like a ton of bricks" just because they test boundaries and struggle with impulse control... Yet the flip side is overly indulgent parenting, where a child falsely learns that life has few real limits and the boundaries of others can be violated at any whim. The tremendous harm to such a child cannot be overstated, as a life of narcissism and broken relationships is sure to follow!

Where is the balance, how to balance a natural and healthy need to self individuate and push boundaries with a desire to create a safe and forgiving atmosphere for a tender psyche to grow and develop. Balancing structure and consistency with grace and "second chances" is clearly going to be a challenge for years to come, I just hope that if I am failing to do either well that must mean I am somewhere near the middle!

Curious to hear from other parents if you have had similar struggles and specifically how you have maintained balance between the two extremes.

Orangutan Says Hi

Kieran and his cousin Salma get up close and personal with a female Orangutan at the DC Zoo

Fun at the Fair

Since Kieran basically plans his entire year around our county fair, we made sure to get in a good dose this year at the largest fair in the commonwealth of Virginia. We invited along some of our favorite hill folk and headed for an amazing time of rides, hot humidity, farm smells, vehicle crashes, and a stark plea for a national dental health program for carnival workers.

It was a great time for certain, though one that made me amazingly appreciative of our vehicles air conditioning on the way home. Kieran had a blast and was emboldened to go on some of the high rides by his fearless leader Ella (Kieran is quite timid with regards to heights, which surprises some given his boldness in other regards).

Here are some shots of the shindig, only to be topped by next years fair!

Kieran had scoped out the rabbit a full hour earlier and had to run around the carousel to find it.

Ella and Kieran had a lot of fun sharing the rides.

Nascar face

Our Friend Stacy with a huge turkey leg.

Who is Tristan?

What follows is basically a log of my perceptions of Tristan that I have been storing in my brain for a while. It is rather indulgent and intended to be a family record, so please skip if you would rather not read a parent blathering on about how great their kid is...

One of the greatest joys in my life has been getting to know my two boys as they have started to demonstrate their personalities and interests. As Tristan approaches eight months in age I have often intended to sit down and write this post, and just never seem to get to it. So I have finally gotten myself into the chair to try and capture what I have learned about this young human being who has entered our lives.

To begin with, apparent almost from his very first month, Tristan has been a very good natured and even tempered young man. We have learned to respond quickly to his cries because he rarely fusses without a very specific reason (of late this is often a certain almost four year old sitting on his head!). He seems surprisingly even keel and we definitely are grateful that his easy going nature makes life a little less hectic than it could be otherwise (and we feel for those who do not have this luxury!).

Tristan is a very happy little guy, he loves to laugh and smile and while break out in a fit of laughter anytime his brother makes silly faces or dances in front of him. He loves people and is surprisingly accepting of strangers, seeming content to be in most peoples arms (unless he hasn't had his quota of mommy for the day!). His gregarious nature is fun to watch, for example he discovered that he could look through the crack between the seats on the airplane coming back from Portland, so he eagerly "flirted" with a young woman sitting behind him for part of the flight.

This young man is determined. This seems to be a consistent theme in the Tennyson household, likely due to the Mother's genetic contribution. He started crawling somewhere toward the end of his six month, pulling himself by his arms since he couldn't figure out how to get his knees up (he still pretty much does a "military crawl"). When he encounters and obstacle he cannot easily overcome, he growls deep in his tummy and keeps pushing with his chubby legs until it is vanquished. He is not easily distracted from his goal, which bodes for some interesting parenting challenges in the future! :)

Tristan has surprising hand and foot dexterity, something I definitely attribute to his father's genetic contribution. He has continuously surprised us by doing things with this arms and legs that we didn't believe could be done at his age. For example, he started passing items between his hands when he was very young, weeks before we expected based on the timelines we had read.

Tristan loves daddy's brand of "tactile stimulation," or basically baby oriented horse play. He screams with delight when I "toss" him around the bed, roll gently on top of him, or put him in various MMA moves (mixed martial arts for those who are not avid fans). He definitely is a very "physical" young man. He loves to play with his brother and is mesmerized by all of the cool movements that he cannot yet reproduce. Even now at just shy of eight months he is clearly a huge fan of his big brother!

The Tristan "roar" has become quite famous in our household. When he gets excited he will often throw back his head and let out a "raaaarrrr." Often the various family members will roar back, eliciting more of the same.

Tristan loves food and has begun to forgo mommies milk in order to stuff down some more rice cereal, yogurt, mango, slightly chewed turkey bacon (his favorite), or anything else that is put in front of him. He has been so food focused that keeping him hydrated has been a bit of a challenge as of late. He has been growing like a little weed and is wearing clothes three months ahead of his age. Kieran was always very slender so it is quite interesting to have such a lusty young lad in the family! :)

Well, I think that paints at least a bit of a picture of the impressions I have formed over the course of Tristan's short stint with the Tennyson's thus far. I am sure he has many surprises in store for us as we move ahead, an adventure we eagerly await.

Kieran Ponders Death

So Kieran has been puzzled and bothered by death for the past six months. At first we thought it was a passing issue, but it has recently intensified again. He is very weirded out by bones in food, bones in the museum or doctor's office. He asks tons of questions whenever we pass a roadkilled animal (how did it die, will it get alive again). I tell him that once something dies it does not become alive again, but then I gently change the subject. At night when I am laying with him he talks about how his body has meat and bones and blood, in a very serious and even somber tone. He will no longer eat fish if he can see the bones on my plate.

When we were visiting Tiller, Oregon, Kieran went with Maranda to see the grave site of her Grandfather. Over six weeks later he is still asking Maranda questions about the grave site, if the bones are still there, if she "carried" her grandfather to the grave when he died, etc.

I have always been of the mind that death should be treated as a natural and normal part of life when engaging a child, kind of the way it would have been treated for most of human history. We don't hide the fact that we eat animals or that Daddy hunts deer that we eat (he is a huge fan of hunting by the way, he just doesn't like to dwell on the outcome). We have always known that Kieran is a very sensitive and perceptive child, and given his latest intensified concern over death I am starting to reconsider our approach. For certain, a child who is just shy of four years old is way too young to be having an existential crisis over the mortality of animals and human beings.

Going forward we will avoid situations that trigger these thoughts (avoid the natural history museum for instance). I don't think we can suddenly start telling him that death doesn't really happen, nor would I be comfortable with this fiction. Any other thoughts from anyone, we are open to any ideas?

Kieran's Trip to the ER

So Kieran had his first visit to the ER yesterday evening. As my neighbor put it, he had a small "farming accident." We were on our way down to the garden to pick tomatoes and he fell carrying a bucket with a rough plastic edge. The edge hit him across the mouth and opened up a pretty good gash across his lips.

Fortunately the bleeding stopped rather quickly. Kieran was pretty upset but calmed down by the time we headed out. Luckily we got a very kind nurse practioner, plus he was able to watch Formula One racing on TV while they gave him numbing shots and put in three stitches. He was very brave and although he gasped a few times, he never cried out or struggled. The nurse commented several times that he was very brave for his age. In the end I think it was definitely harder on Mommy and Daddy than Kieran, as he was very pleased with his popsicle and spiderman stickers, while we were both exhausted by the ordeal.

The money you could be saving with Geico

So Kieran thinks the Geico money commercials are hilarious. Also, there is a big billboard of the geico money character near his daycare, and he always points it out with great zeal. Today for crafts they could make whatever they wanted. When Maranda arrived Kieran proudly displayed his handiwork, and said "look mom, it is the money you could be saving with Geico!" We are both still laughing, this is hilarious.

Check out his handiwork HERE

TVotR and Dirty Projectors

Two nights ago Maranda and I attended a TV on the Radio concert at the 9:30 club in DC. The opening group was Dirty Projectors. We had never heard of Dirty Projectors, but were quite impressed. They are an odd group, they were all dressed in very dated looking clothing (vintage?), had frumpy hair, and had very awkward dancing styles to say the least! They are touring their just released Bitte Orca album, which we found to be really amazing! With two female vocalists singing elaborate harmonies in sharp contrast to the guitar riffs and the powerful male lead singers voice. Based on our ears, this group has tremendous potential. See Bitte Orca review on Pitchfork (linked above) for a much better review than my meager attempt.

TV on the Radio performed their extremely successful 2008 album Dear Science. It was a smashing performance, with Nigerian born Adebimpe ripping up the stage with powerful and expressive vocals and equally expressive dancing. Guitarist and vocalist Kyp Malone has a crazy cool beard and hair and an equally expressive personality. In Dear Science he often soars into falsetto, which combined with Adibimpe's expressive whistling adds a lot of uniqueness to the TVotR sound. While I liked the album pretty well on the iPod, I LOVED IT in concert, the songs took on an entirely new life, making it a night to remember!

Thunder and Lightening

So we have had a couple amazing thunder and lightening storms recently.  Yesterday in the early am hours a really humdinger swept over our house, with cracks of lightening illuminating our darkened room and crashing thundering literally vibrating the windows!  Maranda and I marveled at the storm, and also at the fact that Kieran did not show up at our door or start screaming in his room.  I was pretty convinced that he must have somehow slept through the celestial heavy metal concert that passed over our house.

In the morning when I walked into Kieran's room to wake him up, he sat up quickly and began to excitedly tell me about the loud storm.  "It was so loud that I crawled under my covers to be safe.  Then I fell asleep still under the covers and got all sweaty when I woke up."  I asked him if we was scared and he said "a little, but not too bad."  As far as I know, this is the first time he has crawled under his covers during the night to feel safe, Maranda and I both got a kick out of him relaying the story.