Consistency vs. Grace

One of the most common refrains of parenting advice is "be consistent" in how you parent, where you set your boundaries, and follow through on consequences. It makes a lot of sense, children develop a healthy psyche when they know what to expect and aren't surprised when they hit a previously encountered boundary. In fact, I have read several places that the best way to cause major psychic trauma and even insanity in a developing little person is to erratically change their structure and boundaries on a daily (or even hourly) basis. What was okay yesterday gets them punished today, and so on... The child learns that the world is not a safe or predictable place and begins to retreat from reality in order to create their own structure.

In theory then, it is a "no brainer" to be as consistent as possible in raising children. I have heard it is not as critical what kind of structure a parent creates, as long as it is fairly consistent. Unfortunately when you try to live this out it seems to get a little more complex...

For example, one key thing we found early on was never threaten a punishment you aren't prepared to carry out. It is easy in the moment to threaten to "get on a plane and go home from Grandma's" when your little one is acting out, but if they call your bluff you are busted! Children quickly figure out parents that promise consequences they don't intend to carry out, and they learn to quickly disregard their admonition.

On the other side, even if you are prepared to carry out the consequence (for example, a time out), sometimes the "infraction" is more a result of poor impulse control, a mistake, forgetfulness, etc. For example, if I tell a tired boy not to squish his brother again or he takes a time out in his room, he may very well find it near impossible to resist the temptation (and often does). He may do well for a little while, but then either forgets the admonition in a moment of restlessness. Often Kieran will tell me that he "tried not to do it but still did." I think this is often true for a young child, and I often find myself giving him the benefit of the doubt.

This is where I struggle, as I think grace is important for children as well. I don't want my boys to learn that the world is a harsh, unrelenting place where you every error results in immediate and often disproportionate consequences. Children are hard wired to push boundaries and I don't want to come down (as my Dad would say) "like a ton of bricks" just because they test boundaries and struggle with impulse control... Yet the flip side is overly indulgent parenting, where a child falsely learns that life has few real limits and the boundaries of others can be violated at any whim. The tremendous harm to such a child cannot be overstated, as a life of narcissism and broken relationships is sure to follow!

Where is the balance, how to balance a natural and healthy need to self individuate and push boundaries with a desire to create a safe and forgiving atmosphere for a tender psyche to grow and develop. Balancing structure and consistency with grace and "second chances" is clearly going to be a challenge for years to come, I just hope that if I am failing to do either well that must mean I am somewhere near the middle!

Curious to hear from other parents if you have had similar struggles and specifically how you have maintained balance between the two extremes.

Kieran Ponders Death

So Kieran has been puzzled and bothered by death for the past six months. At first we thought it was a passing issue, but it has recently intensified again. He is very weirded out by bones in food, bones in the museum or doctor's office. He asks tons of questions whenever we pass a roadkilled animal (how did it die, will it get alive again). I tell him that once something dies it does not become alive again, but then I gently change the subject. At night when I am laying with him he talks about how his body has meat and bones and blood, in a very serious and even somber tone. He will no longer eat fish if he can see the bones on my plate.

When we were visiting Tiller, Oregon, Kieran went with Maranda to see the grave site of her Grandfather. Over six weeks later he is still asking Maranda questions about the grave site, if the bones are still there, if she "carried" her grandfather to the grave when he died, etc.

I have always been of the mind that death should be treated as a natural and normal part of life when engaging a child, kind of the way it would have been treated for most of human history. We don't hide the fact that we eat animals or that Daddy hunts deer that we eat (he is a huge fan of hunting by the way, he just doesn't like to dwell on the outcome). We have always known that Kieran is a very sensitive and perceptive child, and given his latest intensified concern over death I am starting to reconsider our approach. For certain, a child who is just shy of four years old is way too young to be having an existential crisis over the mortality of animals and human beings.

Going forward we will avoid situations that trigger these thoughts (avoid the natural history museum for instance). I don't think we can suddenly start telling him that death doesn't really happen, nor would I be comfortable with this fiction. Any other thoughts from anyone, we are open to any ideas?

Peace Truck

So Kieran had been asking Maranda the other day what the words on the bumperstickers on our truck said. She explained that one of them talked about peace, and that peace means no fighting. The topic came up again this morning and here is the story Kieran relayed to me:

"Dad, since our truck has peace words on it, when a white truck comes and wants to fight, after a while it will go away because our truck does not want to fight."

Okay, so far so good, Daddy is nodding approvingly at Kieran's application of an important concept.

"But then, the white truck will find a different truck and they can fight!"

Note the itallicized words were said with much exuberance... Oh well....we got half way there :)

Imagination at the Cusp of Three

As Kieran arrives at his third birthday in just over a week, we have really noticed how vivid his imagination has become. From pretending to be a dinosaur, shark, or deer, to creating imaginary situations, scenarios, and outcomes for daily events ("Dad, the vacuum has a flat tire....but don't worry, I will fix it").

The most difficult aspect of his increasing imagination is a stronger sense of fear. It is hard as a parent to see him begin to grapple with a self-aware sense of fear, perhaps one could call it existential fear? It is different from the instinctive fear that he displayed as a very young child, grabbing Mommy or Daddy when he heard a loud noise, or hiding his face when he saw something unusual or strange. This fear is more an awareness of his smallness in the world, an awareness that life has not only wonderful things to explore, but strange and threatening things as well.

Sometimes his fears are hard not to laugh out loud at, so silly and even cute they seem. Like when he was freaked out by the owl poster in his room, and called Mommy to come console him. Maranda quickly repositioned him so he couldn't see the poster and told him that he could sleep now. In a tiny, quavering voice he responded, "he can still see the top of my head," placing his hands up on his head, "he thinks I'm a mouse!" Only by pulling the poster down was Kieran able to sleep.

Lately Kieran has been afraid of ghosts, which can be various objects in his room, or just a perceived "bad ghost" that he needs Daddy to frighten away. One of the best pieces of advice I read in a parenting journal was to reassure him at his own level, without trying to convince him that his fear is baseless. So instead of trying to convince him that there is no ghost in the room (my natural instinct), instead I position his "safety" animals around him in a formidable triangle (a triangle being one of the strongest formations). His big Panda bear watches from behind, his Kung Fu skills at the ready. A large rabbit that looks more like a dog lays next to the bed rail, with his attentive ears listening for the least sound of trouble. Finally "Alexa Dog," a large, plush German Shorthaired Pointer, lays on top of Kieran and a myriad of smaller stuffed animals, ready to growl at any intruders.

Surprisingly Kieran is reassured by this tactic, even without long explanations regarding the fictional nature of ghosts. In fact, he is not even the most helpless in the bed. While he is guarded by his three big safety animals, I have entrusted him with the safe keeping of the lesser stuffed animals in his bed, who snuggle next to him for warmth and safety. This crew is large and varied, and includes a white baby seal (very soft), a yellow baby duck in a bath robe, a doll named 'brina (short for sabrina), several teddy bears, a tree frog, a small grey hippo, two stuffed penguins, a stuffed caterpillar, and miscellaneous other creatures. He takes his role as caretaker seriously, reassuring the small animals while holding them in a huge hug around his body.

Tonight we had a brief concern regarding a large "hand" that was appearing on his ceiling above him after I went out of the room. Leaving his bedside lamp on for a little while was the agreed upon resolution, as Kieran felt confident that the hand would not come back with the light on. He has now quickly fallen asleep, fears vanquished for one more night.

Rice & Beans

One of Kieran's favorite dishes is rice and beans, especially Chipotle rice and beans! So the other day, on the way home from Kieran's babysitters, Kieran spotted Chipotle's out the window. "Please dad, can we stop and get some rice and beans, please!!!" Knowing that there was dinner at home and also wanting to teach Kieran some fiscal responsibility, I responded, "Well, rice and beans cost money, so we better go home and eat the dinner that is at our house." Kieran thought for a moment, then innocently responded, "Well, when we get some more money, maybe then we can have some rice and beans?" LOL! I can just see the astonishment when Kieran tells people that Daddy is trying to make more money so he can eat rice and beans!! I do applaud his problem solving skills though, an engineer in the making! ;)

Kieran's Thoughtful Ponderings

As we have proudly mentioned several times before, Kieran seems to have an amazing grasp of language for his age. What we have really noticed lately is his analytical skills as well. So if you can stand a beaming parent, read the conversation below as an example of Kieran's ponderings...

Actual conversation between Kieran and Dad on the way home from daycare:

Kieran: "Dad, crash that car over there" as he points out the front windshield at an oncoming car.

Dad: Absentmindedly, "I don't want to crash that car."

Kieran: "Oh." Brief pause. "It is too dangerous?"

Dad: "Yes, it would be dangerous."

Kieran: "Oh." Brief pause. "They might get squashed?"

Dad: "Yes, they might get squashed."

Kieran: "Oh." Pause. "Can I watch Bob the Builder when we get home?"

Dad: "Ok"


There you have it, a clear demonstration of considering cause and effect, consequences, and a rave review of Bob the Builder! :)

Adventures in Parenting - Part II

So the other morning Kieran and Daddy were in the office playing on our "computers" (Daddy has a dual processor AMD screaming machine, Kieran has an old keyboard) when we heard a commotion in the bedroom. Maranda was getting Grandma Kathy's opinion of how a blouse matched a couple different skirts and had ran into some difficulty in retrieving a skirt from its hanger. In a moment of frustration she yanked the hanger free and flopped the skirt onto the bed, exclaiming "flippin closet!." Kieran had wandered in and not recognizing the need for a Grandma filter, quickly translated "f@cking closet!" It is moments like these that you wish you had the ability to instantly turn into a gnat and crawl under the floor boards for a while. Really not much you can say to redeem the situation, as I doubt G-Ma would buy my mutterings about "kids programs these days...."

Grandma, in case you read this we are aggressively addressing the situation. I am installing quick release hangers in all of our closets!

The Wonderful Twos

Kieran is quickly approaching two years old (9/22) and is already showing signs of strong desires, mini tantrums and fits, and an overall more commanding tone. Despite what you might think, the title is neither intended to be tongue in cheek or sarcastic. Surprising as it may be, I am loving Kieran's newly discovered sense of autonomy and will! It makes me smile (sometimes only on the inside as I don't want him to be offended) when Kieran throws a fit over our refusal to give him chocolate chips instead of dinner, or his sudden collapse when I insist he go to the bedroom and get his clothes on.

Why do I enjoy such behavior, I must be sick in the head to be such a parental annomaly? Well, perhaps in a way I understand being misunderstood, as I extended my "terrible twos" well into my teens (or perhaps adult years if you ask my wife). Or perhaps I am just please to see my son entering a new stage of life and self-awareness. Perhaps it is a little of both. Whatever the reason the truth is that so far I really relish this "negative" behavior. Indeed, I don't see it as negative at all, instead it is the result of a growing awareness that he has opinions, desires, and needs, that may or may not line up with those of his parents. This is a good thing! I would be far more frustrated with a super passive child who mirrored every desire and behavior of Maranda and I.

This ability to start asserting his desires is really quite beautiful, if a times a little noisy. We are in the process of watching an individual be born! Not to say that he wasn't an individual before now, but in a certain way I do think that by asserting some level of difference and autonomy from his parents, he is claiming his individuality in very real ways.

Of course, this process includes learning not only desires and opinions, but also boundaries and limits. This is a very important part of this process of self-discovery, as a child that never encounters boundaries or limits will learn a false sense of what is possible and normal in life, leading them to harmful behaviors. On the flip side, a child that experiences articially restrictive boundaries and limits will learn that life can only be experienced in a very narrow and limited fashion. Indeed, their own sense of individuality will likely be harmed in such a scenario.

So it is a delicate balancing act, this freedom to express and individuate, balanced with healthy limits and boundaries. I certainly don't claim to know what it takes to stay balanced, and I think the task is different for every child! What I can say with clarity, is that I have one of the most amazing, patient, and understanding partners in this challenge, my wife Maranda. My hope is that her yin to my yang will provide a healthy atmosphere for my son to claim his personhood.