Consistency vs. Grace

One of the most common refrains of parenting advice is "be consistent" in how you parent, where you set your boundaries, and follow through on consequences. It makes a lot of sense, children develop a healthy psyche when they know what to expect and aren't surprised when they hit a previously encountered boundary. In fact, I have read several places that the best way to cause major psychic trauma and even insanity in a developing little person is to erratically change their structure and boundaries on a daily (or even hourly) basis. What was okay yesterday gets them punished today, and so on... The child learns that the world is not a safe or predictable place and begins to retreat from reality in order to create their own structure.

In theory then, it is a "no brainer" to be as consistent as possible in raising children. I have heard it is not as critical what kind of structure a parent creates, as long as it is fairly consistent. Unfortunately when you try to live this out it seems to get a little more complex...

For example, one key thing we found early on was never threaten a punishment you aren't prepared to carry out. It is easy in the moment to threaten to "get on a plane and go home from Grandma's" when your little one is acting out, but if they call your bluff you are busted! Children quickly figure out parents that promise consequences they don't intend to carry out, and they learn to quickly disregard their admonition.

On the other side, even if you are prepared to carry out the consequence (for example, a time out), sometimes the "infraction" is more a result of poor impulse control, a mistake, forgetfulness, etc. For example, if I tell a tired boy not to squish his brother again or he takes a time out in his room, he may very well find it near impossible to resist the temptation (and often does). He may do well for a little while, but then either forgets the admonition in a moment of restlessness. Often Kieran will tell me that he "tried not to do it but still did." I think this is often true for a young child, and I often find myself giving him the benefit of the doubt.

This is where I struggle, as I think grace is important for children as well. I don't want my boys to learn that the world is a harsh, unrelenting place where you every error results in immediate and often disproportionate consequences. Children are hard wired to push boundaries and I don't want to come down (as my Dad would say) "like a ton of bricks" just because they test boundaries and struggle with impulse control... Yet the flip side is overly indulgent parenting, where a child falsely learns that life has few real limits and the boundaries of others can be violated at any whim. The tremendous harm to such a child cannot be overstated, as a life of narcissism and broken relationships is sure to follow!

Where is the balance, how to balance a natural and healthy need to self individuate and push boundaries with a desire to create a safe and forgiving atmosphere for a tender psyche to grow and develop. Balancing structure and consistency with grace and "second chances" is clearly going to be a challenge for years to come, I just hope that if I am failing to do either well that must mean I am somewhere near the middle!

Curious to hear from other parents if you have had similar struggles and specifically how you have maintained balance between the two extremes.