Kieran loves to clean, he thinks it is a very "special" adult activity. Here hoping he doesn't figure this out too soon!
Friday, November 27, 2009
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Bull Run Mountain
Last weekend we took a hike up Bull Run mountain to check out the amazing fall color this year (cold snap really brought out the color!). The park is about 15 minutes from our house yet this was our first trip! It was a lot of fun, though we ended up with both boys in backpacks for most of the hike.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Consistency vs. Grace
One of the most common refrains of parenting advice is "be consistent" in how you parent, where you set your boundaries, and follow through on consequences. It makes a lot of sense, children develop a healthy psyche when they know what to expect and aren't surprised when they hit a previously encountered boundary. In fact, I have read several places 
that the best way to cause major psychic trauma and even insanity in a developing little person is to erratically change their structure and boundaries on a daily (or even hourly) basis. What was okay yesterday gets them punished today, and so on... The child learns that the world is not a safe or predictable place and begins to retreat from reality in order to create their own structure.
In theory then, it is a "no brainer" to be as consistent as possible in raising children. I have heard it is not as critical what kind of structure a parent creates, as long as it is fairly consistent. Unfortunately when you try to live this out it seems to get a little more complex...
For example, one key thing we found early on was never threaten a punishment you aren't prepared to carry out. It is easy in the moment to threaten to "get on a plane and go home from Grandma's" when your little one is acting out, but if they call your bluff you are busted! Children quickly figure out parents that promise consequences they don't intend to carry out, and they learn to quickly disregard their admonition.
On the other side, even if you are prepared to carry out the consequence (for example, a time out), sometimes the "infraction" is more a result of poor impulse control, a mistake, forgetfulness, etc. For example, if I tell a tired boy not to squish his brother again or he takes a time out in his room, he may very well find it near impossible to resist the temptation (and often does). He may do well for a little while, but then either forgets the admonition in a moment of restlessness. Often Kieran will tell me that he "tried not to do it but still did." I think this is often true for a young child, and I often find myself giving him the benefit of the doubt.
This is where I struggle, as I think grace is important for children as well. I don't want my boys to learn that the world is a harsh, unrelenting place where you every error results in immediate and often disproportionate consequences. Children are hard wired to push boundaries and I don't want to come down (as my Dad would say) "like a ton of bricks" just because they test boundaries and struggle with impulse control... Yet the flip side is overly indulgent parenting, where a child falsely learns that life has few real limits and the boundaries of others can be violated at any whim. The tremendous harm to such a child cannot be overstated, as a life of narcissism and broken relationships is sure to follow!
Where is the balance, how to balance a natural and healthy need to self individuate and push boundaries with a desire to create a safe and forgiving atmosphere for a tender psyche to grow and develop. Balancing structure and consistency with grace and "second chances" is clearly going to be a challenge for years to come, I just hope that if I am failing to do either well that must mean I am somewhere near the middle!
Curious to hear from other parents if you have had similar struggles and specifically how you have maintained balance between the two extremes.
that the best way to cause major psychic trauma and even insanity in a developing little person is to erratically change their structure and boundaries on a daily (or even hourly) basis. What was okay yesterday gets them punished today, and so on... The child learns that the world is not a safe or predictable place and begins to retreat from reality in order to create their own structure. In theory then, it is a "no brainer" to be as consistent as possible in raising children. I have heard it is not as critical what kind of structure a parent creates, as long as it is fairly consistent. Unfortunately when you try to live this out it seems to get a little more complex...
For example, one key thing we found early on was never threaten a punishment you aren't prepared to carry out. It is easy in the moment to threaten to "get on a plane and go home from Grandma's" when your little one is acting out, but if they call your bluff you are busted! Children quickly figure out parents that promise consequences they don't intend to carry out, and they learn to quickly disregard their admonition.
On the other side, even if you are prepared to carry out the consequence (for example, a time out), sometimes the "infraction" is more a result of poor impulse control, a mistake, forgetfulness, etc. For example, if I tell a tired boy not to squish his brother again or he takes a time out in his room, he may very well find it near impossible to resist the temptation (and often does). He may do well for a little while, but then either forgets the admonition in a moment of restlessness. Often Kieran will tell me that he "tried not to do it but still did." I think this is often true for a young child, and I often find myself giving him the benefit of the doubt.
This is where I struggle, as I think grace is important for children as well. I don't want my boys to learn that the world is a harsh, unrelenting place where you every error results in immediate and often disproportionate consequences. Children are hard wired to push boundaries and I don't want to come down (as my Dad would say) "like a ton of bricks" just because they test boundaries and struggle with impulse control... Yet the flip side is overly indulgent parenting, where a child falsely learns that life has few real limits and the boundaries of others can be violated at any whim. The tremendous harm to such a child cannot be overstated, as a life of narcissism and broken relationships is sure to follow!
Where is the balance, how to balance a natural and healthy need to self individuate and push boundaries with a desire to create a safe and forgiving atmosphere for a tender psyche to grow and develop. Balancing structure and consistency with grace and "second chances" is clearly going to be a challenge for years to come, I just hope that if I am failing to do either well that must mean I am somewhere near the middle!
Curious to hear from other parents if you have had similar struggles and specifically how you have maintained balance between the two extremes.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Orangutan Says Hi
Kieran and his cousin Salma get up close and personal with a female Orangutan at the DC Zoo
Friday, August 21, 2009
Fun at the Fair
Since Kieran basically plans his entire year around our county fair, we made sure to get in a good dose this year at the largest fair in the commonwealth of Virginia. We invited along some of our favorite hill folk and headed for an amazing time of rides, hot humidity, farm smells, vehicle crashes, and a stark plea for a national dental health program for carnival workers.
It was a great time for certain, though one that made me amazingly appreciative of our vehicles air conditioning on the way home. Kieran had a blast and was emboldened to go on some of the high rides by his fearless leader Ella (Kieran is quite timid with regards to heights, which surprises some given his boldness in other regards).
Here are some shots of the shindig, only to be topped by next years fair!
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